Trust: “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.” At least, that’s Mirriam Webster’s definition. Trust is a natural feeling essential to survival and growth in this ever-changing world. A newborn baby trusts that their mother will hear their cries and come to their aid. A child should trust that their home is a safe place. People trust for life to continue without unwanted interruption. Trust is necessary but not always easy to practice.

I started a ministry in 2010 to help children gain trust in God when life isn’t fair. Through the simple offering of a Christmas gift, my hope is to plant a seed that will grow, helping children going through difficulties to hold to the foundation that all things work together for good to those who love God. Children who’s mothers never heard their cries have had that trust broken. Kids who’s parent walked out couldn’t trust in a stable home life. People who have been hurt and disappointed in life automatically have trust issues because the human heart is fragile and needs protecting it seems. How can you trust when life is hard or people let you down? Look to the cross of Calvalry, where Christ trusted in His Father’s perfect plan even as He drew His last breath on earth. He trusted that through His sacrifice followers would join Him in Paradise. Trust is scary. Jesus sweated drops of blood while trusting that God would use His pain to bring everlasting life to all who believe. Trust, when placed in the right thing or Person, brings unimaginable beauty to what Satan means for evil. Trust holds this roller-coaster of life on track when everything around us is derailing.

I have a neuromuscular disease that has robbed me of the ability to move or breath on my own, yet I believe in the sovereignty of God unquestionably. I trust that I was created this way for a unique purpose to shed a different light on God’s glory. I trust that through my weakness, the world will see His strength. I trust that God has and will continue to use me to help others from a chair more than He ever could if I were “normal.” The enemy would like nothing more than to dismantle this trust on hard days, yet perseverance shows time after time that my Father knows we He’s doing and has me on a perfect plan.

It seems I have been sick for a long time. It took months to find a doctor who would listen when I said something was wrong. When the tests came back showing MRSA, something in me told me it would be a fight. When oral antibiotics wouldn’t get rid of the infection, IV antibiotics were administered (which is a very big deal if you didn’t know. It involves perfect timing, flushes, heparin, alcohol EVERYTHING, and… Did you breath in my general direction? More alcohol!). Then last week I suddenly awoke feeling like someone took a hammer to my neck during the night. It was swelling at an alarming rate, fire red, and “DON’T TOUCH IT OR I WILL BITE YOU” kind of hurting. Moving? Nope, couldn’t without crying. As so hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to the ER we go. Maybe I’m just an awesome people reader, but there’s this look doctors get when they think something is bad but don’t want you to know it’s bad. I can see right through that look, and this was bad. There was confusion and serious concern. Was this more infection? I had been on the strongest IV antibiotic I could get; if that didn’t work it was uncertain what would. I was finally admitted in Johns Hopkins Medical ICU that evening, and I can only compare the admission process to what poor E.T. went through once scientists got a hold of him. All these strangers moving me, sterilizing me, hurting me, hooking me up to so many monitors it made my head spin, and I was. so. scared. I want my Mom. Where is Mom? “MOM!!!!!” With Dad’s help she breaks through the wall of nurses and comes to my aid. And so I calm down, and pray: “I don’t know what is going on, I’m scared, and I want to go home… But I trust You.” And so He carried me through the next two days (seemingly weeks), where it was determined that I was suffering from Redman Syndrome: a negative reaction to the IV antibiotic Vancomycin. I was pumped full of antibiotics and antihistamines and sent home. I tried, really tried to trust the doctor when he said the MRSA had left my body and I was better, but I still feel sick. And today I found out… *Shocker*… I still have MRSA. I want so badly to feel better, and I literally feel the oppressive force of Satan attacking me through this horrible infection. I’m bent but not broken. I still believe in the goodness of God and trust that, in His perfect timing, He will deliver me from this affliction. I trust because He has never failed me yet. And so I hope that in your life too, you will step out on faith to trust God and His ways; for He really is faithful. One day we will see the beautiful tapestry that He has made of our shreds of life if we only trust, even when we don’t understand.

3 thoughts on “Trust

  1. I am completely blown away by your words!! If anyone should write a book, it’s YOU! What you are unable to express physically or verbally, you shout through your writing. Your written words literally jump off the page and stir something deep within all of us. Never doubt that God is using you in a powerful way. Through your weakness, we see God’s unwavering strength revealed in such a glorious unfolding!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my goodness! No coincidence…..I certainly NEEDED these words tonight. As I sit here and wipe away the tears your sweet, soft message is the swift kick in the pants I was meant to read. Gently, quickly and eagerly – I TRUST! Thank you Amber. Love you sweet girl!

    Liked by 1 person

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