Let’s be real here. I feel like this concept is so lost in this crazy world. To be real, honest, raw, vulnerable. Why would anyone put themselves in that position? The American way is to appear strong, not weak. You should always have the upper hand. So, we paste on our smiles, conceal any imperfections, and head out to join our fellow American zombies another day.

How did it come to this?

I don’t believe in complaining. If something is wrong, fix it. If it’s not fixable, learn to be content. Wallowing in self pity doesn’t help the situation. Still, everyone – healthy or not – has moments of weakness; be it fear, sadness, anger, and even doubt. And I’m here to tell you something completely contradictory to the American way: sometimes it’s OK to not be OK. I know what you’re thinking: this girl has finally snapped. On the contrary, I’m learning as I go.

If you are familiar with the scriptures, you might recall there was a time when Jesus Christ, the son of God Himself, was not OK. Luke 22 tells us, “And He (Jesus) came out, and went, as He was wont, to the mount of Olives; and His disciples also followed Him. And when He was at the place, He said to them, Pray that you enter not into temptation. And He was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed, Saying, Father, if you be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but yours, be done. And there appeared an angel to Him from heaven, strengthening Him. And being in an agony He prayed more earnestly: and His sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.” I believe that Christ, God in flesh, in that moment was afraid for the pain that awaited Him, and yet that didn’t make Him any less perfect. It is not a sin to fear the unknown or even question that God remove our trials if possible. However. notice something imperative in such moments; Jesus went into the garden and had a moment of pure fear… But He did not linger there. The anguish of what lied ahead was so real that blood poured from His pores as sweat does us. And He probably cried. Maybe He even screamed at the sky to His Father who’s presence He could no longer feel… Then an angel gave Him strength; and so He rose, wiped His face, and went back to the cruel world to finish what He came to do.

Life isn’t easy nor is it fair. Adam and Eve screwed everything up in their selfishness and thus we live in a fallen world. Life wasn’t easy for Jesus and we shouldn’t expect it to go smoothly for us – especially if we’ve committed our lives to serving Him. Some days are harder than others; I would know. When life is overwhelming it’s OK to take a short time out. Go somewhere alone, cry, scream, talk to God, even ask why this is happening. Then clean yourself up and get back to work.

Doctors are pretty sure my liver tumor is a hepatic adenoma, and as such it poses a risk of rupturing or turning cancerous in the future. It has to come out but we’re not sure my body can handle such major surgery. We’re exploring options to hopefully shrink the mass. I hope it works but it might not. We have to take it one step at a time and it might be a longer journey than I would like, but we’ll climb this mountain like the rest. I don’t understand, and I have moments of fear for the unknown. And you know what? I don’t think God’s mad as me for that. There comes a time in everyone’s life when they’ve done everything they can do and have to trust God to carry them the rest of the way. So here I am, waiting on Him to move. And He’ll show up like He always does. At the end of the day, if it’s God’s will that I should go through this valley, then so be it. I’ll face it head on. Cry, scream, admit I’m afraid, then get back up and fight.


3 thoughts on “Fighter

  1. Beautiful perspective…as always. This I know for certain: God is right there with you every step of this often fearful journey and we will keep praying and trusting together for His best for you. I love you.


  2. As always, so well written. I love that you are willing to share your struggles openly for others to learn, be inspired and see Jesus thru you. You amaze me! Love you my sweet friend ❤️


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