No Fear

I was dreaming. It was a good dream too. I was on a beach snapping pictures, when suddenly the ground beneath me gave way and I found myself falling down a hole of darkness. Wake up! I heard. My eyes immediately shot open, panic embracing me as it always does during such times of chaos. What just happened? Why can’t I breathe? The ventilator keeps turning off and on, giving no air whatsoever. I have no idea what is going on other than the fact that I am suffocating fast. I have no ability to even utter a syllable, let alone call for help. An event like this typically rolls around every few months when I least anticipate it. It’s always a simple matter of something coming disconnected, though. Not this time. Did I mention I am struggling more than ever with coming off my ventilator? It’s just par for the course of SMA, which I pray will improve once I begin the new treatment. I can barely come off for 3 minutes now. Is this it? NO! I will not die tonight! I will fight until I can’t fight anymore! So I did. My only hope was that when my oxygen and heart rate began to drop low, the nurse would start investigating. So I just had to wait. And I did. The problem is when oxygen saturations drop so low, it’s like drowning slowly. The machine started alarming and the nurse ran in my room. You could say I was nearing the point of no return, but I was still fighting. She uncovered my eyes but I couldn’t respond. She called for Mom who came to the rescue as always. Typically upon oxygen restoration I am an emotional wreck. This was different, though, because I had already determined that God would get me through this. It’s amazing when you know that God has a purpose for you because he literally gave me strength that I never had to hang on.

The battle to survive lies in trusting an almighty God who has a perfect plan, along with having enough tenacity to not let Satan have the upper hand in producing fear. The victory lies in understanding that, whether I live or not, I win either way! Conquer fear and you can conquer anything in this life. Make Satan mad and let go of the fear weighing you down today.

If you need me, I’ll be resting.

xoxo

Amber Stewart

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